I'm so excited to have been chosen as one of the regulars on the next season of The OC. I know, it's a little hard to believe, isn't it? I've been pinching myself since I got the call this afternoon. But it's true. They said they needed someone to play an aging boomer blogger and all-around web hot-dogger, preferably one who'd previously published a couple-three books about internet business that made glancing, indecipherable allusions to Nietzsche, Habermas, Huizinga, and Pynchon -- in that particular order. I guess the coming episodes are going to be like way intellectual or something. Anyway yeah, my name came up in a google search so I guess I'm in. The gig only pays $35k per week, but what the hell. It'll be good exposure for CBO. Evidently, they want to shoot me in my underwear as I try to think up new and exciting things to blog about on behalf of HighBeam Research. They said living in Boulder wouldn't be a problem. All they cared about was the underwear.

from: "The OC" clearly not reality TV by Jeff Wertheimer
source: The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, 14 April 2004
via: HighBeam™ Research

As a longtime resident of Orange County, Calif., I am intrigued by how my community is portrayed in the Wednesday night Fox drama, "The OC." Now I can imagine how Southerners must have felt watching "The Beverly Hillbillies."

The high school-age students on "The OC" appear to lead a very different life than the kids I have both met and occasionally taught at the real Newport Harbor High. The students I knew actually attended school. The students in "The OC" aren't usually wearing enough clothes to attend class.

Not surprisingly, the parents on the show appear at least as troubled as their children. In one recent episode, one of the mothers slept with a high school student and within that same hour nearly accepted an offer to sleep with the grandfather of another student.

Before one applauds her restraint, despite rejecting the old man's proposition, she made it perfectly clear that she had slept with him on numerous occasions and was willing to do so again, if the price was right. Sadly, even with his AARP card, the old man was going to have to pay full price.

In fairness to "The OC" creators, my sheltered life may not reflect reality. Perhaps, to most of my friends and neighbors, "The OC" may be closer to a documentary than I realize.

Given this possibility I decided to embark on a quest to discover The Real OC. I returned to Newport Harbor High and wandered the campus for several hours. During this time I witnessed no nudity, drunkenness or violence of any kind. Aside from the disproportionate number of Mercedes Benzes in the parking lot, all else appeared normal.

But it quickly became apparent that given my near-blinding bald spot, I would never be able to infiltrate the teenage world of The Real OC. However, I could possibly use my middle-age features as an asset to discover the world of the Real Mothers of the OC. I am happily married, but if OC women are truly that promiscuous, this seems like something I should know about.

I decided to ask my neighbor if she would have an affair with me. Given that her husband is a good friend of mine, this proposition seemed like risky business. Equally problematic, she is tall, blond and deeply religious.

I graciously told her there was no rush, and that if she needed to she could take a week or two to decide. She did not need that long. In her tasteful, religious way she patiently explained that having an affair with an undersized Jew was really out of the question. With that I gave her a big neighborly hug and sprinted out of the house.

I realized, to my relief, that characters on "The OC" no more accurately represent the real-life inhabitants of Orange County than Jed Clampett depicts Southerners.

Now, it's clear as day that Mr. Wertheimer is a Communist intent on destroying our way of life and all we hold dear in this country. Doesn't the Liberal Establishment realize that its concerted conspiracy against that wonderful man Rupert Murdoch and his terrific Fox television station has backfired terribly and is fueling a tidal movement to the Right? And what's this guy's problem with the Beverly Hillbillies for God's sake? Some people just can't find anything good to say about anything. Well...